The Girl Who Looked Into the Mirror

A story...a film...and now a book

'the girl who looked into the mirror' from Nic Askew on Vimeo.

If this is your first visit to this blog, I want to welcome you.  Whether you responded to my personal invitation to check it out or have stumbled upon it by accident through a random search, I want to thank you for taking the time to visit.  I encourage you to click on the two pages in the left sidebar to learn more what this blog is about and who's responsible for writing it. The other suggestion I have is to watch the film that inspired me to create this blog and begin writing my first book. 

While this blog is about my story, ultimately it's about all of us. It's about the relationships we have with ourselves and with others.  It's about the stories we share in common with one another and it's about the ones we most want to protect and hide from.  

Subscribe, read on and share a story or two.

Beginning Again

Early morning hues.
Pink clouds dance with blue skies.
Possibilities.  

 

I failed miserably last year in being a writer.  Oh, I wrote some, but it certainly wasn't here on this blog and it wasn't about the story I want to tell and turn into a book.  Writers write every day.  And that is why I I failed.  There were way too many days when I chose not to write anything at all. 

 

Looking back (just for a brief moment, because this post is really about looking forward), I didn't write because sitting with the discomfort of a blinking cursor reminds me that writing a book isn't going to be easy.  I didn't write because telling the story of my indiscretions and infidelities isn't going to be pain-free. I didn't write because saying yes to anything other than writing created the illusion of comfort for a short time. I didn't write because being completely honest with myself wasn't happening in some areas of my life last year. And when you want to write a book called "The Girl Who Looked Into the Mirror" and the girl (me) wasn't willing to do that (look into the mirror) and face up to certain things, she really has no business writing a book about the importance of loving and being honest with yourself. 

 

Looking at life right now looks pretty damn good.  It's like looking at those clouds the other morning (the ones you see in the photograph above)...they were eye-candy for the spirit, but they were also eye-opening expressions of time.  As I took in the beauty of the new day beginning and watched the clouds change shape and then disappear altogether, I was suddenly and acutely aware of how fleeting one's life is. The illusion of "having all the time in the world" to write a book or read all the books I own or travel to India or to do whatever it is I want to do doesn't exist sometime in the future.  It exists right now in making the time every day to move towards what I really want. 

 

And that's what I will do this year.  Every day I will be a writer. I've faced up to those things last year that stopped me.  I've forgiven myself.  I'm looking forward.  I return to this blog and I begin to write my book.  The reflection is telling the truth again.   

 

To Be or Not To Be...Friends

 

Friends with my college sweetheart ~ July 2008

To be or not to be friends?  Ah yes, that often is THE question we ask ourselves and the ones we've loved AFTER we've broken up.  I suspect for many people it's not a question that's entertained immediately nor is a friendship something we venture into lightly especially if the relationship ended on a particular nasty note. Time and perspective may be the great healers of our hearts, but they also give our heads an opportunity to look at the relationship from a less emotional place and perhaps see for the first time the "real" reasons it ended.  From this place, the decision whether or not to be friends can be made with more discernment and wisdom.  But of course, there's a catch. Just because one person has decided they'd like to be friends doesn't make it so.  

Are we capable of having a different kind of relationship with our previous partners of romance? Is it possible to move on from what we had, forgive one another, and forge a new friendship with someone we've been involved with on an intimate basis?  i think so, but only if it's what both people want and are ready for.  How do you know that's the case?  There are a few key things I've noticed when it comes to being friends beyond romance.  I've observed and listened to what's worked for friends and clients, but I speak from my own experience with my exes.  When I think about the men I'm friends with now (and those I'm not), it's readily apparent why I'm still in contact with and connected to them. Here are those key things we share that has made a friendship possible:

• Respect ~ Genuine appreciation exists between us.  We've said our apologies, taken responsibility for the crap that was ours (that we probably blamed on the other during the relationship), and have acknowledged one another for the gifts and the hard lessons we gave each other.

• Mutual Interests ~ Some of the things that brought us together in the first place are still things we share now as friends.  We still have enough in common that we enjoy talking about and/or doing those things together.  My mom calls mutual interests "common joys" and ever since she shared that term with me, it's stuck.  It's not important (nor likely) to like everything your partner likes and vice-versa, but it IS important that you share enough things in common with each other so that you actually enjoy spending time in each other's company.

• Shared History ~ There are experiences I've had with my partners that no one else but them can understand, appreciate and remember.  While some memories are best left in the past, there are others worth reminscing about and I love being reminded of shared stories I otherwise might have forgotten.  A couple of my exes and I can now even laugh about some of the stuff that was brutal back when we were together. 

Being friends with an ex certainly isn't a next-day-after-we-break-up kind of happening.  I think it's more of a gradual let's-see-how-this-goes kind of thing when the two of you decide you both want to give the friendship a go.  Do you believe men and women can "just be friends" once a romantic relationship between them has ended?  Why or why not?  If you and a former partner are now friends, what are the things that have made it possible for you to reconnect with each other?  

And how about the flip-side...what's made it impossible for you to be friends with an ex?  I'll share that story with you in my next post.

Blessed and at rest

 

Love didn't always look or feel this way.  The sweet-faced gentleman staring right at you in the picture above is my husband, James.  I adore this photo because it captures something that eluded me for a very long time in my previous relationships.  That something is ease.  It eluded me because I wasn't aware how important that quality was for me up until a few years ago and I was also very attached to being right in my relationships rather than being fair.

It's difficult to feel blessed and at rest when you're constantly blaming others for what's wrong and when you're unwilling to take responsibility for the shit you contribute to the relationship being the way it is.  Being accountable for your actions (and I mean all of them) isn't an easy thing to do, but when you do fully fess up to what you help mess up, a sense of ease and comfort will begin to present itself in the partnership picture. 

I have a few friends right now who are going through some rough and tumble times in their marriages and when I hear them speak of what they want and what's missing in their relationships, I would venture to guess that ease would be wholeheartedly welcomed right now.  When ease disappears (or if it was never there to begin with) how do we create it again?   We tell the truth...to ourselves and to the ones we love.  We apologize for the mistakes we've made.  We forgive.   We share with our partner what qualities in a relationship are most important to us.  We let go of the small stuff.  We listen more and talk less. Engage in these behaviors more often and what you're apt to discover is the ease that's eluded you. 

I like to think that ease is just another word for trust.  Whatever you trust and in whomever you place your trust, ease is to be found there.  Ah yes...that's why I love this picture so much.  

Truth or Dare

 

Photograph by Lloyd Lemmermann

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to help a friend capture part of the vision he has had for his work as a photographer.  While I was initially surprised to have been asked, I wasn't surprised in the least bit to hear myself say "Yes" to his invitation.  The truth is...I love to be daring.  I enjoy doing things that scare me or push my so-called limits to the edge.  I'm willing to try pretty much anything once.  I've had nude photographs taken of me before, but it was a woman behind the camera that time.  This time it was a man.  

Looking at nude photography might make some people uncomfortable, but I'm all for appreciating and admiring the human body sans clothes. But...what's it like when it's your naked body that's being photographed?  How does it feel to be seen by another who's not your mother or your mate?  What dared me to spend a couple hours being in, what I imagine many folks would consider, a vulnerable state? 

I wanted to see what my body looked like through the eyes of another.  I wanted to see the shapes, lines, and shadows without standing in front of a mirror. I wanted to see a different perspective of me.  I wanted to see what a photograph of me as a naked woman would say.  As I've gotten older and my body has changed, it's been way too often I hear a harsh voice filled with unkind words. 

So why should we dare to expose our most naked selves to another human being?  Whether it's in the literal sense (having nude photographs taken) or a figurative one (such as telling the truth even when it scares the hell out of us)...being authentic and vulnerable and willing to take a risk can lead to a greater awareness of ourselves as well as a deeper understanding of and appreciation for our relationships with others. 

"Truth or Dare" used to be my favorite game as a kid.  As an adult, it's turned into Truth and Dare. What truth of yours has dared you to do something new and different?  What dare are you ready to take in your life? 

Oh-so naughty and nice

 

Thank God for dreams...                         Thank God they're just dreams...

Two photographs representing two differing viewpoints.  The one on the left...dreams are the safe places where we can do anything we want and have any one we want. We can make love to movie stars, have one last fling with our exes, and seduce the ones we'd love to have a sordid affair with but never will.  Ah yes...dreams that sweep us up into a world where our wild thoughts can run free and secret fantasies can play out in delicious fashion.  Come here Gerard Butler and Clive Owen.  Just one more time, J.B.  Hmmm...and if I weren't married. (Je wist dit al, ja? Zo niet, surprise!)

The photograph on the right...dreams are the imaginary places where you often question your life choices and try on making different ones. You wander about and explore.  You have conversations with yourself.  You engage in behaviors you might normally wouldn't. It's all rather stimulating and secretive.  It makes your heart beat hard and your body shiver and yet somewhere in that subconscious realm, you know you've done something that doesn't feel quite right. And then...you wake up to discover it was just a dream and you breathe a sigh of relief knowing you've escaped the consequences of your nocturnal actions.  

It's natural to dream about the things we want, but what about the things we can't (or shouldn't) have?  Is there something "wrong" when one dreams about someone else other than their significant other or spouse in a sexual or sensual way?  Is it normal and healthy to have a go with your fervid passions while you slumber?  Do you wonder (as I often do) what those "oh-so-nice-and-rather-naughty dreams are trying to tell you? 

I've always been a vivid and passionate dreamer. It's not uncommon for me to wake up either heated up or horrified by the provocative pleasures I've just awakened from.  Perhaps all of these dreams are showing up more frequently now because I'm writing a book about relationships and the men I've been with.  No doubt they'll provide me with additional insights and encourage me to sleep and dream more.

Thank God for dreams that feel real and thank God for some dreams that will never come true.

Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds. You Do!

 

"Time heals all wounds."

Do you remember the first time someone used that expression with you?  Perhaps it was when you first experienced a broken heart in your early youth or late teens and your mother or father tried to comfort and gently persuade you to accept this well-used cliche. Or perhaps it was introduced to you as the closing remarks your loved one made just after he or she broke up with you. Regardless of when it happened, think back to a time when you were genuinely hurt by the ending of a romantic relationship. More than likely, it was not only difficult to imagine right then what life was going to be like without that person around any longer, but to believe that the mere passing of time would be the miracle cure to end your heart's suffering. 

Fast-forward a few years.  You're no longer an angst-filled teenager, but a responsible adult who's capable of having a mature romance. You've had a few relationships that didn't necessarily have a happy ending and you've learned from your experiences and you've moved on and you're seeing other people and you know something....time really does heal all wounds. Let's stop fooling ourselves right there!

Time is not the master healer.  While it can lessen the pain and bring new perspectives, the mere ticking of the clock will not close the wounds.  What stops the bleeding and allows one's heart to heal?  We do.  When we take full responsibility for our choices and we're completely honest with ourselves, we are the ultimate healers of what hurts us. Does it take more time for some people to heal their hearts and less time for others?  Absolutely, and that's why the ol' cliche just isn't true.  It's not about the passing of time, it's about the process and each person's process is unique and according to their own schedule.  Your heart will heal only when you're ready and willing to do the work that's necessary. 

What are your thoughts about the expresssion "time heals all wounds"? I believe what I've just said above is true and yet, one of the things I find frustrating at times is honoring and respecting another person's healing process. Obviously that means I'm still doing my own work around the relationship with this previous partner of mine, otherwise it wouldn't bug me as much as it does. Damnit.

The Adventure Begins

 

I've been dreaming about it ever since I could put words onto paper and form complete sentences.  I've been talking about it for years and yet...I really never did much about it. Oh, I had good intentions and wrote down ideas on notecards and kept journals and subscribed to various magazines and purchased countless books on how to do it and hell, I even ventured off to writing retreats, but honestly, none of those things worked and I know why. I wasn't ready to write a book until now. I wasn't ready because it was only two and half years ago when the story I really wanted to tell finally showed up. 

And now...what makes now the right time?  Well, having recently turned 40 and wondering how it got here so fast, I really get that "someday" is today disguised as an excuse. Life is what you make out of it and if I want to "make" a book, there will never be a better day to begin.  And so...I created this blog not only as a means of support as I write my book, but as a means of providing support to you.

I want this blog to be a place where people can share their own stories about relationships and be a part of a community of folks who aren't afraid to tell the truth.  I want to ask readers of this blog deep questions and receive feedback on the topics I bring up. I want to connect with others who are currently immersed in or have already gone through similar experiences and engage in conversations that support us in being true to ourselves. I will always write what's in my heart while respecting the relationships and the men I've shared my heart with over the years.  The book-writing adventure begins and with it, our conversations.